This is a piece about my experience with connection and dealing with others, it is in no way backed by any research and is only my opinion.

When someone shares something with you and you respond with something like “Imagine if … had happened…”, “It could be worse…”, “At least it’s not…”, you are killing any chance of connection with someone. A subtle but more common version of comparison is immediately bringing up something similar that has happened to you in the past. This sharing of experience is often done in an attempt to help show you can relate but is still a less explicit version of comparison.

These responses are most commonly given when someone has shared a bad experience that has happened to them, generally in a state of vulnerability. Vulnerability is only true place that you can form connection and takes trust to get there with others. By bringing comparison into the conversation you pull someone out of their state of vulnerability and put them on the back foot. Suddenly instead allowing for a deeper connection to form you have made think instead of feel by comparing their situation to one that you consider to be “worse” or similar.

The comparison is usually born out of the need to comfort others. When someone compares they are acting on a need to make the situation seem better. In their view, they are trying to help you see the situation in a better light and maybe how you are “lucky” that it was not worse.

If humans were objective then this approach may actually work, it would add a new perspective to evaluate a situation. However, we are emotionally driven and every experience that a person has also has complex feelings connected to it. When it comes to negative experiences these feelings are usually even stronger. When you bring comparison into the conversation it minimises the magnitude of the situation and invalidates the emotions that are attached to it. While you are not saying it the implication is often “This experience is not as bad as you are saying and the feelings that you have about it are not justified. People in other situations are justified to have these emotions but you are not.”.

When bringing up a similar experience that you have been through the comparison is more complex but it is still there. The situations may be similar but no two experiences are the same, the exact same “thing” may have happened but human feelings are complex and are shaped by previous experiences. You and the person you are speaking to have not had the same experience.

The comparison can have multiple outcomes. The person you are talking to may not view the experiences as similar, you may have misjudged the situation. By comparing your experience to theirs, you may have minimised what they are going through. In the worst case this can actually be insulting to the other person.

Another outcome is that your situation may actually seem worse to the other person. In this case the person can feel that it is more important to focus on your experience as they are concerned about what you have been through. In this case it immediately takes the focus off the other person as you become the main subject of the conversation. This removes them from the state of vulnerability and puts them into the caretaking role. While this situation is still conductive to connection building, doing this too often will gradually exhaust the other person and make the relationship feel one sided. This will gradually destroy the connection.

In my opinion, there is no place for comparison when someone is in a state of vulnerability. Listen, give the other person time, ask questions about their experience and how they have felt. There is no need to fill the common pauses in these conversation by attempting to offering comfort. Sit with any uncomfortable feelings and focus on listening to the other person. This is the best way I have found to make the other person feel seen and understood, the cornerstones of connection.

A large part of this article just comes from my own experiences of being on both ends of this type of exchange. I’ve made this mistake many times and will make it again. It was also somewhat inspired by the book You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy. It’s a great book and I would highly recommend it.